depression

I was a department manager in the mortgage division of a large commercial bank in central PA. I had worked my way up from a position putting mail away to Assistant Vice President, and I nearly lost it all. In order to consume the amount of booze I was drinking, I obviously had to be drinking all day, which meant at work as well. I used to take one of those sports bottles with the straw into the office with me; half of it was filled with vodka, the other half with 7up or Spdidn't know it. I just turned to the bottle to get away from it, to hide. rite, something clear so my little concoction looked like water, and since vodka really has no smell, no one was any the wiser. When I would feel myself coming down, I'd take a few snorts from the old "water bottle." (wink wink) I kept the vodka bottles in my car in the basement garage, and would stop down a few times during the day to refill. If active addicts are anything, they're clever and very resourceful.

Boy, could I tell you stories about my drinking days. Long story short, I really should be dead right now, and I would have died 15 years ago if I hadn't gotten sober. But that's another story. The point here is that I was suffering from depression then, but I

didn't know it. I just turned to the bottle to get away from it, to hide.

Well, thanks to a month in a rehab, and God as my higher power, I became sober. I advanced in my career to divisional vice president, I bought my first house, and things were going pretty well. Yet, there was always that undertone. The joy of sobriety, of having a new house, all of the new and exciting stuff eventually lost their luster, I still had them and appreciated them, but they weren't the major distractions they used to be. Up until then, the depression was kept at bay by all the new and wonderful things in my life, but when I "came back down," the depression took it's old place in my life. Still, I didn't recognize it.

I would sleep a lot, I didn't want to go out, I lost interest in things that I used to like to do...all classic symptoms. Then I got sick...real sick. I contracted asthmatic bronchitis. That was a nasty bugger too. Among the medications I was taking to battle this latest oppression was Robitussin DM. Once I was feeling better for the most part, I was still taking the Robitussin. One day, I forgot I had taken a dose and took another, this allowed me to experience the effects of a slight overdose of one of the key ingredients: dextromethorphan.

Well, in about two hours, I felt wonderful. My head suddenly seemed so clear, like it hadn't been for as long as I could remember. I wasn't "stoned," per say, but I was happy. Everything seemed clear and bright, like all the glump and cob webs were suddenly blown out of my head. It was really a wonderful feeling.

It didn't take me long to realize it was the cough syrup that had done it, but I had to know exactly what component was causing this effect. So I looked at the ingredients. Dextromethorphan....hmmm. I researched it on the internet and found out it was an antidepressant. ANTIDEPRESSANT? I realized at that point that all that glump and cob webs were actually depression, and this little gem freed me from it. Hmmm...a mind altering drug and an addict...could this be a bad combination?

Well, sure!! I got hooked on the freakin' cough syrup. And like all addicts that have a good thing, only one thing could make it better....MORE!!! One evening, after a particularly rough day at the office, I went home and guzzled two 12 oz. bottles of cough syrup. I had worked my way close to the two full bottle point, but that night, I took the plunge. Unfortunately, the effects resembled what I imagined a stroke to be -- I had a hard time moving my right side and my face felt funny. Well, I closed out that evening in the emergency room, but most of the drug had gotten out of my system and I was close to being back to normal. The next day, I saw my regular doctor and he started me on an anti-depressant medication regiment to replace my dextromethorphan. Fortunately, the cough syrup wasn't as strong an addiction as the booze had been, so God had an easier time getting me straightened out there.

So that's the story of how I formally got diagnosed and medicated for depression. I still have symptoms, I still have bad days, and I hate so much that feeling when they're coming on. But now I know they won't last, tomorrow is another day, and I insist on it being a better one. So when those ugly days finally draw to an end, I go to bed and have a long chat with Jesus Christ. Although he already knows the kind of day I had, I'm going to bend his ear about it a little anyway. Then I ask him to please pick me up and clean me off. Clean off all that black muck that I was wallowing in and make me fresh again. Hold me in the palm of your huge and incredibly strong hand and gently blow your warm, healing breath over me. Renew me, so that when I wake up tomorrow, I'll feel good and glad to be alive, so I can go and do something for you. Then when I wake up the next morning, I set my mind on good things, and look forward to a good day. Jesus can't do it all, you know, I have to do my part. He'll fight that demon depression for me, but I have to try to keep the door closed to it too. Good thoughts and at least one good deed that I wouldn't normally do during the course of my day. These too are medications to treat depression.

If you have the symptoms of depression, do something about it. Don't ignore them and just live with it. With the world the way it is, it's no wonder depression affects so many people, but there are ways to deal with it. It doesn't have to shut your life down. Medication and Meditation....they do wonders.

I'll be adding little stories about my depression and my addictions and what they did to me. It's good for me to remember them, so I appreciate where I am now. You might also find them enjoyable, but I hope even more so that they help you in some way. Feel free to leave comments about this site if you would like. God Bless.